Sylph Dawn

[Jemuel]

Here. Here. After almost a year of nothings and almost-somethings, here is an actual something: Sylph Dawn, Chapter 1, script, attached text document, on a stick!

It's the first-first draft, so it's probably terrible. (The story, I mean. Spelling and grammer are about 95%.) I'm pretty sure most of you have seen my attempts at criticism, and I ask that all of you do the same: Be honest. Is this awkwardly close to a story you've seen before? (I'm self-taught, and have little media exposure, so this is a very real possibility for me.)

I kinda like it. I mean, I just finished typing it, so of course I'll like it now, but I won't know for sure until I see it later. In the meantime, have at it! Lemme know what you think! Don't be afraid to throw a couple daggers, cuz I know this story can handle it! m__m OK, I stop typing now and give you the story.

[Sapphira]

I love it
"Edgeworn" seems a bit cheesy, but I guess if it's a dull sword like Andrea said, it fits.

[Jemuel]

Thanx! :3

Yah, Ben is a cheesy sort of guy. ^^. But don't tell him I said that...

Imma gonna start drawing it, inking it, and all that. Once I am finished, I shall upload them here. (Assuming I can find the blasted scanner power cable... m_m)

[Sapphira]

Yay, can't wait

[glow]

actually... I like edgeworn a lot... it sounds like a pretty trendy manga name...  now about the story...

it's ok... i see you want to make it a little suspenseful at the beginning by explaining things as it goes along... as i was reading it though, there was something about it slightly screaming to me 'this is confusing, stop reading it'... instead of... hm... 'let me read a little more to see what's really going on here'... i thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that you're being too blatant in the initial delivery... practically everybody in the story knows "EXACTLY" what's going, except the reader... because of that, their actions are over the top and pretty overwhelming... and that's confusing and not suspenseful...

here's how i would do it and then i'll explain why:

the scene starts with the guard at the gate... it's getting stormy and he see's two people approaching...

closeup of the two - 'bro, we shouldn't... it's dangerous...' 'c'mon sis, it's getting bad outside, we gotta find shelter'

they get to the gate and the guard gives them a look over and sees the girl is pretty sick looking... he asks where they're going and maybe one or two other questions... basically, the brother wants to keep as many details secret as possible, but does say he's going to verros putting the guard on red alert mentally... then the guard decides to not let them in... the brother can get agitated at this point... maybe a passerby from inside the gates (Andrea) notices the ruccus and the sick girl...

they are ultimately not welcome there and they have to move on... as they get farther from that town they are attacked by 'SOMEONE' (Andrea) on the way... naturally they think it's some kind of mugger... having taken the brother by surprise maybe he disarms him? the bro says something like 'we have no money and my sister's sick, leave us alone'... the 'someone' (Andrea) goes and kicks him over... then turns his attention to the sister... 'is she? how interesting...' the he goes to attack her and explains things the way you have...

So... in short, at the very beginning, i'd suggest trying to build up a little suspense and the character's personalities and only hint at what the real issues even are... in my version, it's done by some simple conflict/resolution scenarios where people are pretty much acting normally with growing levels of abnormality:

- the bro wants to find shelter for the sick girl... this is something a reader can totally relate to... this also builds attachment to the characters when you see the brother acting nobly for his sister... (direct emotional response from reader)
- the guard turns them away... this is slightly abnormal behavior to treat someone like that... the reader thinks 'that's strange and pretty unfair, i wonder why that happened?'... it's still something the reader can relate and the frustrated plan builds up some tension... (direct emotional response from reader)
- it ends up building up to what 'looks' like a mugging... again, a mugging is something a reader can relate to and this builds more tension and suspense... (direct emotional response from reader)
- finally there's a twist when Andrea turns on the sister... the reader thinks 'that's really weird! this guy's a real psycho!'... this sets up the stage for the explanation...

the explanation can happen now because the reader has had direct emotional responses and now cares about the characters... and it's not something that was blatantly and confusingly thrown in the reader's face the whole time before you even care about any of the characters... you've established some emotional attachment between the reader and the characters... 'sick girl and a loving brother, isn't that sweet? i wanna root for these two because they look so pitiful and they have a REAL problem... and oh look the PROBLEM has some depth to it because of some monsterisms'... you've now successfully hooked your readers into wanting to find out what happens to these characters...

[Jemuel]

@glow: Thank you very much for your diagnosis! I'd always felt something off with my storytelling, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong on my own. A thousand thank yous. *happy dance*
@Sapphira:I was getting a little ahead of myself on my last post. Gotta fix the story before I sketch. Sowwy. :3

Now that I've had some time to think about it, I've found a couple parts that could be better. The ending was a little too campy, with them all walking into the sunset hand in hand, bestest buds. So I'll work on that part, too.

The second draft cometh. All considerations will be heeded, keep 'em coming. If you don't say anything, I'll assume it was so bad your eyes melted and you can't see your keyboard. (Although if you just didn't wanna read it, I understand.) m_______________m

[glow]

yeah... i think the end could use a little bit of work... i think the parts that need to be reworked start at the explanation about the disease... however... i don't know enough of the context of the story to give any clear direction... maybe a few pointers and a few questions...

what is a sylph? and why are they responsible for keeping people safe? who gives them this job?... (what's their motivation?) if you try thinking about it in slightly more technical terms, nobody does something for nothing right? unless it's a fairy tale... once it's someone's job or maybe a rich vigilante's hobby, everything's different right?  are sylphs supposed to be knightly types of characters... and as such, i imagine they come from wealthy families or some super human breed and all... i mean, they had to get to their position somehow and build a historic reputation right?

how do normal people view sylphs? are they supposed to be heroes? or apocalyptic rampaging inquisitor types that people know exist but nobody ever wants to see in real life?

how do people generally react to the people with the sickness and what's the general policy when they're encountered? you definitely show there's fear and rejection, but you could probably make that aspect a little more realistic... maybe try to look at if from the following people's perspectives:

- peasant and civilians - scared stiff because the monsters are out there? if we hear about 'em we'll report 'em?

- lowly militia types - pretty scared, but if you get a bunch of us together we'll throw our lives away to raze buildings with the monsters in 'em?

- military types - it's our job to keep people safe... we're out to kill, kill, kill the monsters... if we hear about the sick people we'll arrest em and throw them in a deep, dark dungeon... who cares about being fair, jails the best place for scary things... if they display sings of monsterism, we'll kill 'em...

- sylphs - well, we're the secret inquisitor agents so we can do basically whatever we want to who we want as long as we can excuse it?

- local governors - we make it a policy to not care a whole lot about the mass populace unless it affects their tax quotas... these sick people turning into rampaging beasts are pretty much doing that... if we get our hands on those sick people we'll spread mass fear for people to turn them in and we'll make public spectacles of them once their caught?

that's the first things that came to mind, but you're free to make different people behave however you want...  once you've thought a little about how different types of people see the sick, it'll help identify the mood and motivations for the different actions of the characters... it'll probably help you come up with different sub plots and characters too...

and finally, what's so special about Verros city and why would people there view the sick differently? is it in a different country with different laws and policies? why would they harbor or risk trying to help people that turn into monsters? or is it mainly supposed to seem like some mythical promised land? maybe if the characters actually get to Verros they find things even worse there? one way i can envision it is maybe like Rome in medieval times... it's the holy capital of Europe maybe seeming like a beacon of hope from far away, but some people can be even more strict and hypocritical there...

anyways, i'm just raising a bunch of questions about a bunch of things because i don't know which way you want to go quite yet...

also, about starting to draw it, you could probably do stick figure or sketchy wireframe names... it'll probably be more fun for people to review those instead of scripts ... it might be more fun for you as well to start giving your stuff some wireframe life...

[Jemuel]

... ... ...This is kinda awkward, and slightly random, but I'm pretty sure you've come to expect that from me. Anyways: I just remembered today that it wasn't my final goal to make comics. What I'm interested in is video games, particularly the interactive storytelling part. So, I'll be working on this selfsame story, but instead of being a manga it'll be a video game.

Thank you very much for your posts, glow. I was very excited to see how I could improve.

[Sapphira]

Video game? Sah-weet

[Jemuel]

With my backside riddled with the arrows of logical problems, and my face permanently plastered on the brick wall that is called computer programming, I have come to a conclusion: I'm not a video game person.

It's animating that I like. Not that I won't ever do comics or video games, but animating is the only thing that makes me excited as I'm doing it.

A-and, that being said, I now return to the original topic of the thread. (Jemuel's shadow double: Topic? We don't need no steenkin' topic!)

The story's constantly in flux because I don't have a main point to it. So, to give it a try...

Benjamin Edgeworn is an Enforcer, a military police officer employed by the government CITADEL to maintain order. But when some mysterious incidents and disappearances start happening in his precinct, he stumbles into the middle of an invisible war between Basilisks, frightful monsters that strike from the shadows and prey on fear, and Sylphs, an elite CITADEL task force dedicated to destroying the Basilisks and keeping them secret by any means neccesary.

I'll be working on the first part of it, and I'll bring it when it's ready. In the meantime, here's some mood-setting music I use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mB-AiWOv1-4

I'll apply the advice that I've received to the opening, so hopefully it's a little interesting to read.
If you have any questions, please reply. I like getting replies to my posts. :3

[Sapphira]

You're confusing lol, but it should be an interesting story whatever you do to it.

[inkhana]

Cool, how are you going to animate it?    The ol' frame by frame method?  Vector maybe?  

In any case, it's a huge undertaking so I hope it works out for you.  :3  Glow gave you some great advice so your new version should look pretty nifty.

[glow]

ME WANTS COMIC - 

... so you're into programming eh? i only do that for a living... well mainly all the time these days with deadlines and all... mayhaps we share some interests...

also... maybe i have a proposition for you... would you allow me to put together a comic of your intro? so far i think it makes for a good one-shot... what do you think?

[Jemuel]

@glow:
No problem! Heck, you can even make a whole series if ya wanted.
I hate to mislead, I'm not into programming. Right after that post saying I wanted to make it a video game, I busted out my game-programming equipment and, after about thirty minutes, remembered why I stopped doing it. >.<

@Sapphira:
I know. (I know I'm confusing, I should say. )

@inkhana:
Traditional Animation all the way! Each frame, drawn by hand, in my own blood, while hanging upside-down from my toenail, over a pit of fire! :3

If you e-mail me, I'll e-mail you some of the practice animation stuff I've been working on. (Gallery won't upload it, and I'm too lazy to convert them to a gif.)

[glow]

well i was mainly thinking of a one-shot for now... the intro of the story has enough elements to work with, but i wouldn't want to make my own story out of it... i've got a few stories i'm trying to put together in my own backlog...

have you done any more with your story? i wouldn't really work too far out of the bounds of what you come up with...

oh, and what kind of setting were you going for?  so far it looks like a fantasy thing... would it be alright if i made it look like a preindustrial european steam punk sort of thing?