Sylph Dawn

[Jemuel]

Well, I had a sorta techno-fantasy thing going, but that really doesn't come across at that point.
Initially, I had planned to make this the beginning of one of the stories I was working on, but it just didn't seem to fit into it. So, it's pretty much carte blanche. (pardon my French. m.m)

[glow]

so then would maybe cyberpunk work?

oh... and could you describe the setting a little?... is it modern? futuristic? post-apocalyptic?... do people have any types of vehicles? do they have guns? would any of them use cybernetic enhancements?

obviously the sick people degenerate into monstery looking things... how far from normal people do they end up looking? i was thinking maybe they just end up with pointy ears, cat eyes, fangs and claws... naturally that could be to varying degrees as well... but what do they look like to you?

and I can't remember, was Andrea supposed to be infected? also, is Andrea a guy or a girl... i may not have read carefully enough if it was stated...

either way, brother and sister protagonists sounds pretty cool...

had some time to sketch in some boring meeting at work... can this be the protagonists?... yes... i realize i got the name wrong...

[Jemuel]

The world is a kinda futur-esque, with the cities more high-tech and clean but the outlying towns more patchwork and rugged. As for cybernetics, some people have mechanical limbs or shell armor. Firearms exist, but they're not the most practical choice against some monsters. That, and the fact that CITADEL keeps a tight reign on the number produced and their selling price, means, that less technical weaponry is more common. And then there's the Helots, the heavily mechanized armed forces of CITADEL.

As far as the monsters go, there's the straight-up monsters, inhuman beasts that seem to attack people for sport, but for the most part are a closely-guarded CITADEL secret. If their saliva enters an open wound on a human, then they become 'infected', as they're transformed into a humanoid version of the monster that infected them. Almost universally feared, people are willing to pay hefty sums to passing sellswords to have them killed. (Guess how Ben and Lilah fund their cross-country travels... *grin*)

As for the Sylphs, they are CITADEL agents that travel the land, mostly gathering intel about the various types of monsters and protecting citizens from monsters and bandits. They do, however, have a reputation for abandoning citizens when the going gets rough. They're able to manipulate their body and whatever weaponry they use into energy. The process is called the Sylph Mark, and it's a closely-guarded Sylph secret. They use it to store weapons, have said weapons appear in hand ready for battle, energize their bodies to increase speed and reflexes, and travel at high speeds as a ball of light.

I feel bad about saying this, but your interest in this project has revived my interest in this project. If all you were planning to do was a one-shot, is it all right if I take the story back? :3

[glow]

finders keepers... no takebacks...

yeah man... it's fine... it's your story... i just didn't want your hard work to go to waste... you've got some pretty mainstream ideas already...

if you were going to abandon it i was going to use it as one of my training comics... see i haven't actually put ANY comic together yet... i'm trying to work out some concepts first as my BSL gallery shows... and actually i've been doing a whole lot of 'work' work lately putting in xtra hours at work on a project...

so, i didn't get very far with my comic... one of these days though

[Jemuel]

Here's the latest draft. Text document again. Just finished again, but hopefully it's a little better.
Working on making emotionally responsive characters. So, let me know if you feel what emotions the characters feel, if you root for them, et cetera.

Oh, and thanks for your interest in the story, Glow. It really means a lot to me. If you wanna use the story as a one-shot practice, though, go ahead. It just won't be canon, that's all. m___m

[Sapphira]

Oooh, cool
And you're doing good, I actually kinda felt the emotions of the characters... which doesn't happen often.

[glow]

hm... this version's definitely a lot different than the last one...  this one has improved tension, but it's a little lacking in substance...  i liked the way the last one was going a bit better...  it had better build up for character introduction...

here's an analysis for this version...

though this version has more realism, i think it ends up being a bit overwhelming and grotesque because of the violence... i'm not personally one for hack and slash graphic violence and would suggest toning it down, especially if you want to cater to a christian audience, but the appropriate amount of balance you can find on your own...  along the same lines though, the main characters so far don't seem very likable... there's some really heavy emotions and in the first five minutes of your story they're already responsible for killing people...

next, you're creating a lot of exposition for some seemingly very minor characters... those 2 thugs have a looooooooot of dialogue... are they supposed to become supporting characters?  i wouldn't give them so much attention... and really, if you're looking to make a comic or cartoon, you can set that scene up in as little as two panels like so...

the main characters have some minor conversation scene like you started with... they go to an alley to get out of view... 2 shady individuals notice them from a window of from a rooftop or from a doorway farther down the alley... the next scene can be along the same lines as you have, but a little simpler and less violent...

'hey, baby, how's it goin'?' 'c'mon sis let's get out of here...' 'hey where you goin'?' - bad guy grabs the girl by the arm... 'let her go!' 'i wasn't talking to you' the other guy already lunges for jonathan and pins him to the wall... the other guy turns his attention to the girl that got knocked down or something... 'now where were we?'... the girl in a hunched position lets out a feral growl and the next panel shows the guy flying, either out to the main street or to the back of the alley... the other guy let's jonathan go and runs to his friend or away... jonathan and lilah run away as well...

see, if you do something like this then your characters aren't responsible for a greusome murder... you show your audience a little action and don't end up alienating half of your christian audience... and you end up creating the right kind of exposition with the least amount of overhead...

in fact, here's a technique you can try to apply after you write something, or maybe before, but it's probably better to brainstorm the ideas first... analyze the scene you created and ask yourself, 'what am i trying to really show with this scene?'

i think for this scene it can be paraphrased to something like - sick girl gets dangerous feral powers and ends up losing control under extreme pressure... then look for cutting out areas that distract from the main point and look like filler...

next topic, the inkeeper... i think the inkeeper ends up suffering from the same type of characterization flaw as the thugs... all the suggestive talk about lovers ends up looking really awkward after a greusome murder... first off, it's the wrong place for humor after that kind of a scene, unless you're trying to create a dark and cynical atmosphere (which i would personally avoid), but even that would have to be done differently... and the fact that the characters are really brother and sister has a tinge of disburbingness to hear someone keep alluding to them as something more... also, again, that kind of dialogue acts more as filler that's not even very humorous... i think you should try to clear up those kinds of missunderstandings pretty quickly or not even really introduce them if it doesn't serve any kind of real purpose...

this brings me to advised technique number two... even if you're wanting to make a cartoon, you'll still need to start out with some storyboarding... you should panel out the scenes with some quick stick figures and dialogue... and you'll start noticing right away the places where you're putting in too much filler that detracts from the point you're really trying to make...

yet again... i write another book, but hope you walk away with constructive criticism and not just criticism...

[Jemuel]

Draft 5 Summary:
Benjamin Edgeworn is a traveling mercenary headed to Verros. In the town of North Riste, ablaze with fear from the recent Feral attack, he finds a mason's family looking to hire a bodyguard so that their daughter can head to Verros. The mercenary they're dealing with, however, is jacking up the price way beyond what's reasonable - or affordable. Ben intercedes, offering to take the girl for the more affordable fare, earning the gratitude of the family and the anger of the other mercenary. Something seems a little off about the girl, but Ben interprets it pridefully, assuming that she's flustered to be in the presence of such a noble man. After she bids her family goodbye, they head off through the Riste Mountain Trail, a winding path that slowly travels upwards. While they're on the path, the part of the path that Ben is walking on starts to fall out. Lilah sees this and pushes him out of the way, only to fall down herself. Ben grabs her hand to keep her from falling down to an earlier part of the path which, while not lethal, would at the very least waste time and potentially injure Lilah. But when he grabs her hand, he sees the bandages and realizes that Lilah has been infected. With this revelation, he must decide whether or not he sticks to the contract and brings her to Verros, or brings her back to Riste. Against the odds, he pulls her up to safety and decides to bring her with him.


Rationale for changes:
After an analysis of the characters, I realized that none of them had any motivations or conflicting desires. Ben was helping Lilah because she was his sister and because it was the right thing to do, which I felt was a lot more sentimental than it needed to be. Hopefully this version (When it's fleshed out, of course) draws the reader into caring about the characters more.

I made Ben a mercenary instead of Lilah's sister because I wanted this to story focus more on Ben's discovery of the infection and his decision whether or not to take Lilah with him. I plan to do it in a serialized format, hence the unresolved plot threads. (The gouging mercenary, the lack of arriving in Verros, et cetera.)

The part with the other mercenary jacking up the price isn't pointless. It's meant to contrast Ben with the typical mercenary, and raise questions as to why he isn't as selfish or crass as they are. Again, it'll be more convincing in the story form than in summary.

Both of the characters now have their own desires. Ben has an unrevealed reason for travelling to Verros, for saving the family from the mercenary's price-gouging, and for choosing to bring Lilah even when he knows she's infected. Lilah's desire, obviously, is to be cured and then head home.

While this summary might not have much emotional impact, hopefully it increases the clarity of the story. The full version will be done visually, so it may or may not take a while to finish. Hence, the summary. m__m Also, let me know any questions that arise from my confusing style of writing.
Thanks for your time, critiques, and compliments! :3

[glow]

looks like a good summary... now about things being pointless and all... i'm not saying that you have to constantly justify the existence of every character... what i'm saying is... find the right amount of balance between each character's role and how much time they get on screen... also between how much exposition really needs to be done in dialogue and how much can be done by other factors like body language, tone, etc...

for a classic example of what not to do: Star Wars Episode I where "quite gone" talks to anakin about the electrolytes, or whatever those are... this has to be one of the longest and most boring monologue in all of filmdom bordering on a PBS documentary on evolution (which in my opinion are just as fictional)

another classic example: if you watch Naruto at all, you'll notice there are quite a number of episodes where the various sensei level ninjas try explaining a bunch of things about chakra control and various techniques... those kinds of episodes may give important contextual information, but it doesn't have any real replay value... it's a pretty lame textbook type of approach that's meant to stall for time and make the series longer... it's a studio gimmick to get more series for less actual animation time...

all i'm saying is, start thinking about trying to create the right balance between the various elements because readers aren't easily fooled, but they are very easily bored... they may not know the technical names for the exact elements that make a good narrative or show or it's specific construction... but they know when they see something good or when their chains are being pulled...

that's all i'm saying... and if you can't do all that right now... don't worry about it... just do the best you can and in a few years you'll get better at it, the same as all good writers and storytellers constantly strive to become...

[glow]

i think i'll stick with something close to your first form for my version... and i'll make it steampunk since that's a new fad of mine... i think that will create enough discontinuity between our works so people won't expect them to be very similar... kinda like the alternate worlds manga people create all the time...

and without further ado... here's a preinked drawing of Lillah...

what's with the angel wings you ask?  hm... ...

[Jemuel]

@glow: OK! I'm happy someone else's gotten something good out of this thread. m_m Looking forward to seeing the one-shot!

Alright! Here's my latest version: Draft 7....

Benjamin Edgeworn and Andrea Vale are a team of traveling mercenaries taking any job they can find, from slaying Ferals to pulling cats out of trees, to make ends meet. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when they're hired to escort a quiet young lady named Gadget to the capitol city, Verros. Caught smack-dab in the middle of a silent war for control of Verros, will they be able to stick together and make it through?

Included is cast line-up sketch.
From left to right: Benjamin Edgeworn, Gadget, and Andrea Vale.

That's right, Imma drawing on my computer again. m_m

Changes: The Infection comes later, once there's been adequate time to establish a normal.
Delilah's been swapped out for Gadget.

Gimme some time, and I'll probably find some plot problems and change it around again. Probably.

[glow]

which brings me back to my unanswered question... is andrea a guy or a girl?

[Jemuel]

She's a girl. Sorry about forgetting earlier question. m///m

Slight change: Instead of Ben and Andrea being a mercenary team, they're crew members of GLORY Mobile Mercenary Vessel 1833. Other crew members/supporting cast coming later. Short post for now. Thanks!

:3

[glow]

concept sketches of benjamin and his steam sword edgeworn...

he has to crank it like a chainsaw to start it up... but it's mounted on his back with a pulley that will activate it as he whips it off his back... it'll also have a swivel crank that he can adjust the power with...

ben has a handgun strapped to his side and an arm guard... that's his main monster hunting equipment... i think i'll give him some medieval/steampunk looking arquebus as well... i love those guns...

my idea is that ben and lillah can't hunt monsters all willy nilly... it takes strategy and they have to set up some traps and lead the monsters into the traps... and lillah getting sick is from a hunt gone horribly horribly wrong... horribly...

[glow]

i spec'ed out my version of edgeworn over the weekend...